Sacrifice

6 days and counting.

Like I've said before, this week has been hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be. And it hadn't gotten better. 

Until just recently when God showed me something.

Yes, I've felt like the day would never come to leave. I've spent most of my time dwelling on how alone I felt. And worst of all, I've been missing Scotty very very much. In fact, I think all of my anxiousness has stemmed from the fact that he is already there, while I was left here to wait. It's not easy being the one left behind.

But what I have learned is that if I dwell on the separation and I look at these coming months as a time of trial and something to get through, of course I'm going to feel this desperate and empty. But this time in our lives, for both me and Scotty, is so important and is just a flicker of preparation for what's to come.

We share this vision for our lives that doesn't fall into the normal pattern of typical college preparation. God is drawing us into a mission field for His Kingdom. We are entering a battle field. As soldiers of the cross, it takes sacrifice to fight for the heart of the King. It's not something that can you pledge yourself to lightly. This time of training is when God is going to put us through a beautiful flame of grace and hardship and joy and it is building us up into people that will be able to stand on His strength when we feel the most desperate.

This separation from friends and family and each other is a meager sacrifice for how He is going to strengthen us. And it is so importantly that we are able to do this apart. Because if we can learn to both build a foundation on our Lord in our own lives, how much greater is His strength and glory going to prove itself when we come together again.

What a blessing to be able to suffer (even in this small way) for such a vision as the Lord has given us. When I look at it this way, it gives me a new born determination to press on towards the goal and to never give up. I vow to myself to not feel self pity for being the one left behind and feeling like half of me is missing. Not to watch the clock drag on as I wish to leave. Not to look for distractions to get me through the day, or to be jealous of Scotty when I hear all of his stories.

We can dream all we want, but we can never dream as big as God dreams for us. I want to live my life to His standard, not my own. And that takes sacrifice. So this has been my prayer this week (thank you Lauren for listening to the Lord and bringing this encouragement) and it has pushed me further and deeper into the arms of my Savior to hold me up.

For my loneliness, Lord- your strength.

For my temptation to self-pity, Lord- your strength.

For my uncontrollable longings for this man, Lord- your strength.

-Elizabeth Elliot in Passion and Purity