Journal Entry: Prayer Week

This is by far the most inexpressible, incredible, powerfully life changing week of my life.

God has shown up in ways I can’t even describe. I’m so glad he did what he did last weekend, because he emptied me of everything that I was, everything that I had been holding onto to give me more of himself than I could ever hope for, and I know I’m only at the beginning.

God told me how much he loves me this week. He gave me a glimpse of what he desires to do with my life. He let me look into the spiritual and see the damage that He is going to do to the kingdom of darkness through me. I’m excited for the demons to know my name, because I’m ready to proclaim the name of Christ above all names. I walk in the authority of Jesus Christ.

I have been praying for the spiritual gift of healing for a long time. I have always had that desire to be able to bring freedom and see God’s power through me. Please understand first off that I don’t desire this in a way that people will look at me and see anything but God’s love for them. From the very beginning I want to proclaim the glory of the King of Kings. It’s going to be hard to write this in a blog because I’m supposed to explain the way this makes me feel… and it’s hard talking about myself in telling these stories. But from the beginning I want all who read this to see amazing, relentless love that the Father has for his people and all He used me for was the speak out what He wanted to do.

Let me start at the beginning.

The average Christian in China prays an average of 3 hours a day. 3 hours of fervent prayer. In Korea it’s about an hour and half. Revival is springing up in those countries in a way that their government, as much as they might try to, cannot control. In America where we have that freedom to pray day in and day out prays an average of about 7 minutes.

7 minutes.

7 minutes of calling out to the God of the universe. And we wonder why we have so many issues and disunity and lack of faith in the church.

So this week, prayer week, we committed ourselves to pray 24/7. There was a team at the church every hour of every day seeking God. The time slots were either 2 or 3 hours, which intimidated all of us from the get go. That’s a long time for people to pray, normally we can’t even think of things to fill up 1 hour prayer sessions at church. And normally they consist of people sitting in a circle and taking turns as they pray in a soft voice with a soft, pained look on their face.

But we wanted to see God. We wanted him to hear us. So for 24 hours a day, Monday through Friday, we called out to God. And we truly called out to him asking to pray into his will, whatever was on his heart. Suddenly the 3 hours wasn’t enough. We were all sitting in on other teams sessions. Some of us would end up praying up to 8 hours, sometimes even more a day.

And God answered. He was so there. I mean, even the late night sessions. I can’t even stay up to watch a movie, but from midnight to 6 in the morning I was able to sit there with my eyes closed in a dark room and stay completely alert to the voice of God. Even more than that, we had energy all throughout the next days. He showed up. He was there. He showed us his heart, made us press in. And I guarantee you none of us will ever be the same.

Lately God’s really been changing the way I worship. I used to get really involved in the music and loved praising God and really letting Him touch me and really being swept away. But now when I worship it’s become something way different. It’s something deeper with Him. Like… I never try for anything more than to just praise Him, but when I enter into that and just sing out to Him from my heart, He starts to speak to me and use me in other ways for other people. He’ll make someone catch my eye, even if I don’t know them, and have me go pray for them. And when I do, he always puts specific things on my heart to pray for. I can’t even really explain it to you except that it’s awesome, because it’s always what the person needs. God knows them, and I love being that voice to be able to show them that.

And I know that sounds like I’m not worshiping and letting God touch me through those worship times, but it’s so intimate between Him and me to hear be able to hear him speak like that. It really is beautiful to me. And I think to Him too.

So let me tell you some stories of how much our God loves us.

Tiffany Pabst has been struggling with narcolepsy for years. It’s not just some funny disease where suddenly she’s asleep; it’s affected every area in her life and most importantly her walk with God. Next time you’re worshiping God or reading your Bible, don’t take for granted the fact that you’re able to pay attention and feel his presence and learn about his Character without passing out the second you sit down. She wasn’t able to be with people through this whole school because she has had no energy. So all those relationships she had hoped for weren’t being built because she couldn’t hold herself upright.

But Tiff has been praying for healing for a long time. She hasn’t stopped. The days leading up to prayer week however were the worst she had ever dealt with and she was considering just running away and quitting. She said she could figure out why her relationship with God seemed blocked here. That her narcolepsy was worse and that he just wasn’t answering her prayers even though she knew that He wanted to heal her.

So as I was worshiping, I looked over and saw Tiff lying asleep in the back, which is pretty common, we’re all just used to it. But God told me “I want to heal her tonight. Go tell her.”

Um… I really didn’t want to. Like… seriously. What happens if I walk up to her and say hey, God’s going to heal you tonight and then He doesn’t? Ugh that would be SO embarrassing.

For me…

It’s not about me…

Siiiiigh. Ok, this isn’t about me. So I just went over and did it. I told her God wanted to heal her tonight and that we were going to pray into that. So I grabbed Jon who had prayed for the gift of healing as well and we started praying. We prayed and prayed and prayed and nothing was happening. Tiff was getting more and more discouraged and just breaking down and it was not a pretty thing. I KNEW God wanted to heal her, but I got so discouraged that I started to get up to go grab someone else, like Johnny who could pray over her instead of us.

But God stopped me in my tracks and said “Hey! What are they going to do? This has nothing to do with you or your prayers, it’s me. I’m just letting you in on it. They’d pray the same thing so get back over there and expect to see my hand move.”

So I did.

God started giving us these pictures of Tiff and verses to speak out to her. He started showing us how to pray over the strongholds in her mind, how to pray against the enemy in His name. He really opened up the door for us to see into the spiritual realm and the battle that we were fighting over Tiff.

And here’s the thing.

I know it sounds crazy. And I know it sounds excessive and like some of those super spiritual hype of fighting that battle. But it’s there. It’s real. Our prayers are a weapon far greater than we can imagine. And when we can see that and enter into that other world and actually do warfare, it’s a powerful thing.

Cause Tiff was healed that night. And I don’t just mean… oh she’s not as tired anymore, I mean GOD SET HER FREE!! As we were praying in the back and Carmen was up front worshipping, she had this vision of Tiff asleep being lifted up and tossed into a pool of ice cold water and her eyes being shocked open and her breath coming back into her again.

And that is what God did to her that night.

I can’t even begin to describe to you the change that occurred. She went from that moment that night to her 12:00 to 3:00am prayer shift and stayed completely awake. Even more than that, the prayed like a mad man! God broke off so much more than narcolepsy, but poured into her this gift of insight and prophesy and it just broke free. He healed more than just her body that night. I wish there was a way for me to show you her eyes before and then compare them to the light that is just pouring out now. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

God is so good! And I can’t believe I got to be a part of it, to watch it happen, to see Him move. Because every bit of that was Him. His love was all over it. He said He wanted to do it and He did. AHHHH it’s so awesome!

But that’s not it. Next came Rina.

Ok, this is how much God loves Rina. This is how well He knows each of us. This is how much He desires to have our hearts set in Him.

He devised a little plan.

Wednesday, Emil stood up at the front and asked if there was anyone who needed healing in their left knee, because God told him to go pray for that person. Rina was like… um… I do, but I haven’t really been praying for it… so we all gathered around and prayed for healing.

It’s cool to pray when you know that God already has victory over something. When you hear God say it that clearly (especially when Emil had no idea that her knee was messed up) it’s cool to be able to pray into that knowing that He’ll answer.

But as the whole team prayed over it, nothing happened. After some time, everyone went back to worship and Kate, Jon, Emil, and I all stayed to pray over Rina and continue pressing in, cause we knew God wanted to do something.

Again, this is seriously saying nothing about the four of us and simply showing how incredible awesome God is in the way he speaks. Because as we all really stepped in and prayed and listened to what God was saying about Rina, we all started feeling like this was about WAY more than just the knee. Some of us were getting pictures of a wall being smashed down in Rina’s life. He started showing us strong holds to pray against in her heart and in her faith. And then he showed us what the next step was to be. We all saw her running. Not just like… I see you running on streets of gold Rina!! Haha but like… ok go outside and run. Right now. All of you.

And again, guys, we ALL heard it. As we pressed in to God together for Rina, he was speaking the same things to each of us. How can you deny that that’s him??

So without going into too much detail, it was three or four separate times of intercession for Rina over about three days. Each day, God brought something knew to light in her life. After some time God even told us to stop praying for the knee. He was like, “I already told you I’m gonna heal it, that’s not what this is about. This is about me and her and where I want to bring her. When she hits that point, just watch what happens to her knee.” And through this whole process He’s giving us words and insight for her. And showing the different areas to do battle against in prayer.

And Friday she was healed. Friday she let those walls come down and she found who she was in Christ. And it wasn’t in a time of us screaming and praying, it was in her journaling. And she stood up and was healed.

So let me sum this up. This is how well God knows Rina and this is how much he loves her.

He screwed up her knee.

Knew she wouldn’t pray for it, so he told Emil that there was someone to pray for.

Started showing us that it wasn’t about the knee.

Started showing us CRAZY things to do to break down those walls.

And then touched it when he was ready.

And all this just to draw her to Him.

It reminds me of a little boy getting ready to pull a prank on someone he loves. Like… ok ok ok! First I’m gonna do this, and then this, and then oh!! I’ll make them do THIS so that THIS happens…”

Hahaha!! It was so awesome!!

And it was so cool for Emil and Kate and Jon and I too! There’s just something so special about it from that side. Because if the healing, whether in the body mind or soul, is happening in you, you feel the battle. You have those doubts and you’re dealing with the lies and then you finish with that feeling of peace and being whole again.

But getting to pray into it as God shows us His heart is AMAZING. Cause we’re kind of watching it from God’s side. And when that freedom comes, we get a taste of His joy that He’s feeling, because we were seeing what He wanted to do.

Rina was so funny, because of course she was happy and crying and so peaceful afterwards. But Emil and Kate and I were like… SCREAMING and laughing and jumping and spinning around the room and just couldn’t contain ourselves cause it was SO FREAKING COOL SEEING GOD MOVE LIKE THAT!!! There was just so much joy!! Even as I’m typing I can’t stop smiling cause it was so cool to see His freedom come over someone he loves so much!!

I’m straight up addicted to seeing the Freedom of Christ come upon someone. I’m addicted to seeing Him move when he says He’s going to. I’m SO SO blessed to be able to see it! For Him to let me be a part of it! Cause honestly, when you’re seriously praying and interceding for someone like that, I feel helpless. There’s nothing I can do. Nothing. But then God steps in and He’s like, here I’ll take care of it!

What a big, beautiful, loving, wonderful God we serve!!!

And it doesn’t stop there! Noora has had an intense Gluten allergy (whatever that disease is called…) for years and it has been PLAGUING her. It’s awful to live with. And God told her that he was going to heal her. She knew it and she had faith for it to happen. But it’s hard because it’s not an allergy. If she were to eat gluten, she wouldn’t feel a change, it would just do crazy amounts of damage without her knowing it. So it is a total step of faith for her to believe and begin eating again.

But as we sat down one day in the prayer room we decided to pray one more time. We had been praying the whole school, but we figured we’d just give it another go. And God said… today’s the day.

We all heard it. We all just looked at each other and went to town. Haha! God was so there! I can’t even tell you how strongly we felt him. Trevor got this picture and said “Noora, God has heard all these prayers, it’s not just that they’ve been ignored. The angel that is meant to touch you has been sent, but he’s being held up. And we need to fight with him to clear the way.” And we all just started doing battle in the name of Christ.

And once again I KNOW how crazy I’m sounding right now. I know how eccentric it sounds and how it sounds like a game. But guys it’s so real. I can’t tell you how strongly the presence of God was in that room when we starting fighting back. We all felt it and we all saw the urgency.

And then we all felt the breakthrough.

Helene said she saw like a light breaking and coming into the room. And guys… Noora after all these years of faith and prayer was healed!

And we all knew it. We all felt it. And we all helped her take that step of faith and go get that chocolate chip cookie and then celebrated with her as she received that healing of Jesus Christ. He loves her! This is what she had been waiting for and He was so happy when he got to give it to her!

Guys He’s so real! The spiritual battle is so real! Prayer is so powerful!

And there is so much more than just healing in the body. Yes we see God’s glory manifested in that way because we can see it and touch it. But with each of these healings came immense healing and freedom in their souls and in their faith. He wants so much more than healing in the body, but He longs to see us whole again and to draw us deeper and deeper into Him.

And He knows us so well. He knows what it’s going to take to get to that point. Tiff, Rina, Noora. All of them was done in His timing. They all went through struggles, hardships, battles over their hearts. But He knew what it would take and He broke through.

It’s His victory. No one but His.

And I’m so humbled to get to be His soldier in it. I’m so humbled to get to be used and to get to see his heart behind what he wants to do.

It’s the coolest thing, because while Noora, Rina, and Tiff all were restored, it brought me into such an intimate relationship with God as well. It wasn’t just about them. As John was praying for me, God just started showing him little pictures of what God said He wanted to do with me. He said “you have no idea the damage you are going to do to the Kingdom of darkness. You know me. You’ve walked with me. You know my voice, the way I speak, the way I smell. You know me. And I trust you to do what I ask.”

And once again, please don’t hear me saying anything good about myself here except that I’m ready to go to battle for Him. Have faith in the fact that He has all authority and it’s the King of Kings at work. I’ve seen Him work. I’ve seen His heart for his people. I’ve seen the freedom that He desires to bring.

But it’s the Freedom that lasts in the Kingdom of Heaven that is the important one. Yes I want to see healings in the body. But it is the glory of God and the restoration of His people to himself that matters. So if I step out and make of fool of myself praying for healing for someone who doesn’t get it, oh well. It’s not my job to heal anyone. It’s God’s. And If I’m listening to His voice and obeying, that’s all I can do. It doesn’t matter what he chooses to do through it.

That’s what God has been training me for, I can tell.

Hear my voice.

Step out and obey.

That’s it. You might not always understand. You might look like an idiot. You might be pissed off at how embarrassed you’ll be. But you know it’s not about you. If you’re persecuted for me, feel blessed. You’ll be uncomfortable, ridiculed, maybe even deemed crazy by people that are close to you.

BUT I DON’T CARE.

I DO know His voice. I know it and I’m not gonna doubt that, because that is the only thing that has gotten me through this week and I’m sure the rest of my life. People don’t understand. They might not get it, they might even think I’m just trying to be super Christian and look all holy and that I’m fueled simply by pride. But I know my shepherds voice and I’m sticking with Him.

God give me the strength to remember and not be ashamed…

Give me the strength to not need or long for anything but you. To not need that acceptance that comes with taming my faith or the way you speak. Give me the courage to step out. Never stop stretching that boldness. Give me the strength to let you be my sustenance and not anyone else. Give me the wisdom to know when you’re speaking direction and wisdom through others into my life, and when to step out in assurance of knowing your voice, even against others opinions.

Always keep me tuned to your voice. Never stop stretching me. Humiliating me if that’s what it takes. But I just want more…

There’s never enough of you for me. I want more.

Ok… I know that was heavy. But God is just so good. And He has proved himself and shown himself to me in ways I can’t even say this week. And I don’t want to forget that. This journal is for me. And I’ve invited everyone in to see, cause I want to be honest, to be an open book. This is just my testimony, cause how can I hold back the things God has done in my life.

So I’m sorry if this entry seems so come off the wrong way. I’m sorry if I seem… crazy. But I’m not sorry for saying it as it is.

God is SO good. And He loves us SO much. And He is in constant relentless pursuit of our entire hearts. In the same way that there is never enough of God in me, we never get to that point with God where He says “Ok, that’s enough. That’s all I needed. You’re in a good place, just hang out there for a while.”

No he is ALWAYS pursuing our whole hearts. And He knows what it’s gonna take to get it. And please don’t feel like that means He’s out to get you. There is such joy in the brokenness that comes with letting him take over. As one of our staff humbled himself in front of everyone and broke down repenting of sin, I looked at the faces around who were praying for him. They were teary and almost looked sad. (Not saying that that’s bad, I wanted to cry too) but I just couldn’t stop smiling. Because God rejoices at getting to pull us into Him with our brokenness. At getting to fill us up again. And our release and the freedom that comes in being broken.

There is joy in being broken. There’s joy in seeing that Love of a father that is driven to pursue His children. Nothing more than that. No condemnation. No guilt.

LOVE.

In fact, just as a little side note of that sweet love of a father: We were praying for Mindy’s headache one day, which seems like such a small thing. But as we were praying, I just got this picture of God kissing Mindy’s forehead and making it better. And I said that out loud to her, but then I was like… Oh. Ok! And I went up and just gave her a kiss on the forehead, and her headache was gone.

A God of power and a Father of love that just wants to refresh and repair his children. What an incredible God…

Anyway…

Here are some pictures of the baptisms this week.

What a beautiful picture of His restoration.

Character of God: Faithful

Ps 25:14 “The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear Him, and He makes known to them his covenant.”

Psalm 145:13 “The Lord is faithful in all his words and kind in all His works.”

Psalm 147 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; He gives them all of their names. …But the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in his steadfast love. “

I don’t really know how to talk about his faithfulness except that I have seen it so vividly in my life within the past 2 weeks. I feel like I’ve watched him bind up my wounds. I know He’s still doing it too. Like… as I go into this week, the numbness is starting to wear off and I’m starting to feel it a little bit more. But I know God’s faithful. I can feel how much He loves me and how he wants to be there to pick me up. I can tell.

I wish that I had more that I could say for this character study. But I can’t go through the typical essay type format. Because all I can say is that when I feel at my lowest, there’s always that voice that speaks to me about my worth. He speaks to me. That alone proves his faithfulness. He never leaves me alone…

If there is one person I can depend on in my life, one person to stand with me, to understand, to hold me up, it’s Jesus.

Character of God: Love

Psalm 100:5 “For the Lord is good. His steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”

Look at the above stories. God knows us. He knows us so well. And he is always pursuing our full hearts. Once again, I don’t really know what to say for this beside everything I’ve learned this week.

For the first time in a long time I’ve been completely alone in my life. It’s been hard when all I’ve wanted is a hug from someone special or someone to tell me that I’m important to them and that they care what I’m going through. And I’ve wondered if anyone is out there that can handle my heart the way it is. If anyone is out there that can hold it and understand the way it beats. Anyone to just understand.

And He’s been there. He’s shown me that He knows and understands. And He wants to be there for me.

And I know I sound like such a girl and so sappy right now. But I’ve fallen in love with Him as He’s shown me how much He truly loves me.

We often times think of God as more of a Father than anything else. And I do. He’s been the greatest Father to me…

But it’s a totally different thing when we learn to fall in love with Him and truly be his bride. I’d find myself praying for something, or someone. Just… the stuff that my heart longs for. And in every prayer I’d almost see Him looking me in the eye and saying “That’s me.”

“I want to be the lover of your soul. No one knows you better than me. And I know you might feel screwed up. You might feel broken. You might feel like there’s something wrong with you. But I made you. I know you inside and out. I know how to hold onto your heart and what you need. And I love you more than you can ever understand. You’re mine. Did you know that? I don’t just mean you’re my servant and you belong to me. And I don’t just mean you’re my daughter. I mean… you’re mine. I’m a part of you. I complete you. I’m that missing piece. All of this you’ve been praying for… I’m the answer. I know it’s hard because you can’t touch me. You can’t feel me. I know that. But you know I’m here. Let me be the air that you breathe. Let me be that passion. Let me be that person that you long for and can’t live without. I know the way you tick. I designed you that way. So let me be your heart beat.”